The Host Chapter 38: Touched

What do I hazard to the highest degree what?Ab appear our discussion out t hither(predicate), Ian clarified.What did I infer close it? I didnt hunch forward.Somehow, Ian was able to mien at things from my perspective, my alien perspective. He thought I had earned a right to my life. alone he was jealous? Of Jared?He knew what I was. He knew I was notwithstanding a tiny creature fused into the dressing of Melanies brain. A worm, as Kyle had give tongue to. to date plain Kyle thought Ian had a crush on me. On me? That wasnt possible.Or did he insufficiency to enjoy what I thought about Jared? My aspects on the experiment? More details about my responses to physical contact? I shuddered.Or my thoughts on Melanie? Melanies thoughts on their conversation? Whether I agreed with Jared about her rights?I didnt know what I thought. About any of it.I real dont know, I state.He nodded. Thats understandable.Only because you are rattling understanding.He smiled at me. It was odd how his eyes could both scorch and warm. Especi in solelyy with a excuse that was closer to ice than fire. They were quite warm at the moment.I deal you precise much, Wanda.Im potently just beginning to see that. I come close Im a little slow.Its a surprise to me, too.We both thought that over.He pursed his lips. And I suppose that is hotshot of the things you dont know how you feel about?no(prenominal) I mean yes, I dont know. I I -Thats O.K.. You guident had long to compute about it. And it must seem strange.I nodded. Yes. More than strange. Impossible.Tell me something, Ian say after a moment.If I know the answer.Its non a enceinte question.He didnt ask it right a focusing. Instead, he reached across the narrow lieu and picked up my stack. He held it in both of his for a moment, and therefore he trailed the fingers of his left cut into slowly up my arm, from my wrist to my shoulder. Just as slowly, he pulled them back again. He numerateed at the undress of m y arm instead than my face, watching the goose bumps that formed along the path of his fingers.Does that feel sizeable or self-aggrandising to you? he asked.Bad, Melanie insisted.But it doesnt wrong, I protested.Thats non what hes asking. When he ordinates good Oh, its like talking to a childIm non even a year old, you know. Or am I now? I was sidetracked, trying to figure out the date.Melanie was not distracted. Good, to him, means the counsel it feels when Jared touches us. The depot she provided was not one from the caves. It was in the magic sackyon, at sunset. Jared stood behind her and allow his hands follow the shape of her armor, from her shoulders to her wrists. I shivered at the plea certain(a) of the unanalyzable touch. Like that.Oh.Wanda?Melanie says awful, I whispered.What do you say?I say I dont know.When I could meet his eyes, they were warmer than I expected. I cant even ideate how confusing this all must be to you.It was comforting that he understood. Yes. Im broken in.His hand traced up and down my arm again. Would you like me to stop?I hesitated. Yes, I decided. That what youre doing makes it hard for me to think. And Melanie is violent at me. That besides makes it hard to think.Im not angry at you. Tell him to leave.Ian is my friend. I dont want him to leave.He leaned external, folding his arms across his chest.I dont suppose shed give us a subtile alone?I laughed. I doubt it.Ian tilted his head to one side, his expression speculative.Melanie Stryder? he asked, addressing her.We both started at the name.Ian went on. Id like the chance to give tongue to with Wanda privately, if you dont mind. Is there any way that could be arranged?Of all the brass section You tell him I said no chance in cavity I do not like this man.My nose wrinkled up.What did she say?She said no. I tried to say the words as gently as they could be said. And that she doesnt like you.Ian laughed. I can discover that. I can respect her. Well, it was worth a try. He sighed. considerate of governs a damper on things, having an audience.What things? Mel growled.I grimaced. I didnt like feeling her anger. It was so much to a greater extent vicious than mine.Get used to it.Ian put his hand on my face. Ill let you think about things, okay? So you can decide how you feel.I tried to be objective about that hand. It was soft against my face. It felt nice. Not like when Jared touched me. But also contrary from the way it felt when Jamie hugged me. Other.It might take a while. none of this makes any sense, you know, I told him.He grinned. I know.I realized, when he smiled so, that I cherished him to like me. The live-the hand on my face, the fingers on my arm-I still wasnt sure at all about those. But I wanted him to like me, and to think kind things about me. Which is why it was hard to tell him the truth.You dont in reality feel that way about me, you know, I whispered. Its this personify Shes pretty, isnt she?He nodded. She is. Melanie is a very pretty girl. Even beautiful. His hand moved to touch my bad human face, to stroke the rough, scarring skin with gentle fingers. In spite of what Ive done to her face.Normally, I would aim denied that automatically. Reminded him that the wounds on my face werent his fault. But I was so confused that my head was spinning and I couldnt form a coherent sentence.why should it bother me that he thought Melanie was beautiful?Youve got me there. My feelings were no clearer to her than they were to me.He brushed my hair back from my forehead.But, pretty as she is, shes a stranger to me. Shes not the one I bearing about.That made me feel better. Which was even more confusing.Ian, you dont Nobody here separates us the way they should. Not you, not Jamie, not Jeb. The truth came out in a rush, more heated than Id meant it to be. You couldnt care about me. If you could hold me in your hand, me, you would be disgusted. You would throw me to the ground and cranch me under y our foot.His pale forehead creased as his black brows pulled to lether. I not if I knew it was you.I laughed without humor. How would you know? You couldnt tell us apart.His lecture off-key down.Its just the body, I repeated.Thats not true at all, he disagreed. Its not the face, but the expressions on it. Its not the voice, but what you say. Its not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.He moved forward as he spoke, kneeling beside the bed where I lay and taking my hand again in both of his.Ive never known anyone like you.I sighed. Ian, what if Id come here in Magnolias body?He grimaced and then laughed. Okay. Thats a good question. I dont know.Or Wess?But youre female-you yourself are.And I always indicate whatever a planets equivalent is. It seems more right. But I could be put into a man and I would function just fine.But youre not in a mans body.See? Thats my point. Body and soul. Two different things, in my case.I wouldnt want it without you.You wouldnt want me without it.He touched my cheek again and left his hand there, his thumb under my jaw. But this body is part of you, too. Its part of who you are. And, unless you change your mind and turn us all in, its who you will always be.Ah, the final examity of it. Yes, I would die in this body. The final death.And I will never live in it again, Melanie whispered.Its not how any of us planned our future, is it?No. Neither of us planned to have no future.Another internal conversation? Ian diged.Were thinking of our mortality.You could live eer if you left us.Yes, I could. I sighed. You know, humans have the shortest life twosome of any species Ive ever been, except the Spiders. You have so little age.Dont you think, then Ian paused and leaned closer to me so that I couldnt seem to see anything around his face, just snow and sapphire and ink. That maybe you should make the most of what time you have? That you should live while youre alive?I didnt see it coming the w ay I had with Jared. Ian was not as familiar to me. Melanie realized what he was divergence to do out front I did, just a second to begin with his lips touched mine.NoIt wasnt like candy kissing Jared. With Jared, there was no thought, only desire. No control. A spark to gasoline-inevitable. With Ian, I didnt even know what I felt. Everything was muddled and confused.His lips were soft and warm. He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.Good or bad? he whispered against my lips.Bad Bad, badI-I cant think. When I moved my mouth to speak, he moved his with it.That sounds good.His mouth pressed down with more sop up now. He caught my lower lip between his and pulled on it gently.Melanie wanted to charge him-so much more than shed wanted to punch Jared. She wanted to shove him away and then kick his face. The image was horrible. It conflicted jarringly with the sensation of Ians kiss. entertain, I whispered.Yes?Please stop. I cant t hink. Please.He sat back at once, clasping his hands in front of him. Okay, he said, his tone cautious.I pressed my hands against my face, need I could push out Melanies anger.Well, at least nobody punched me. Ian grinned.She wanted to do more than that. Ugh. I dont like it when shes mad. It hurts my head. Anger is so ugly.why didnt she?Because I didnt lose control. She only get arounds free when Im overwhelmed.He watched as I kneaded my forehead.Calm down, I begged her. Hes not touching me.Has he forgotten that Im here? Doesnt he care? This is me, its meI tried to explain that.What about you? fork over you forgotten Jared?She threw the memories at me the way shed done in the beginning, only this time they were like blows. A thousand punches of his smile, his eyes, his lips on mine, his hands on my skinOf course not. Have you forgotten that you dont want me to love him?Shes talking to you. scream at me, I corrected.I can tell now. I can see you concentrate on the conversation. I never noticed in the lead today.Shes not always this vocal.I am sorry, Melanie, he said. I know this must be impossible for you.Again, she visualized smashing her foot into his graven nose, leaving it crooked like Kyles. Tell him I dont want his apologies.I winced.Ian half smiled, half grimaced. She doesnt accept.I shook my head.So she can break free? If youre overwhelmed?I shrugged. Sometimes, if she takes me by surprise and Im too emotional. Emotion makes it hard to concentrate. But its been more difficult for her lately. Its like the door between us is locked. I dont know why. I tried to let her out when Kyle - I stopped talking abruptly, grinding my teeth together.When Kyle tried to kill you, he finished matter-of-factly. You wanted her free? Why?I just stared at him.To fight him? he guessed.I didnt answer.He sighed. Okay. Dont tell me. Why do you think the door is locked?I frowned. I dont know. Maybe the time fleeting It worries us.But she broke through before, to punch Jare d.Yes. I shuddered at the remembrance of my fist striking his jaw.Because you were overwhelmed and emotional?Yes.What did he do? Just kiss you?I nodded.Ian flinched. His eyes tightened.What? I asked. Whats wrong?When Jared kisses you, you are overwhelmed by emotion.I stared at him, worried by the expression on his face. Melanie enjoyed it. Thats rightHe sighed. And when I kiss you you arent sure if you like it. You are not overwhelmed.Oh. Ian was jealous. How very strange this world was. Im sorry.Dont be. I told you Id give you time, and I dont mind hold for you to think things through. I dont mind that at all.What do you mind? Because he minded something very much.He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. I saw how you loved Jamie. That was always really obvious. I guess I should have seen that you loved Jared, too. Maybe I didnt want to. It makes sense. You came here for the two of them. You love them both, the same way Melanie did. Jamie like a brother. And JaredHe was loo king for away, staring at the wall over me. I had to look away, too. I stared at the sunlight where it touched the red door.How much of that is Melanie? he wanted to know.I dont know. Does it matter?I could barely hear his answer. Yes. It does to me. Without looking at me or seeming to notice what he was doing, Ian took my hand again.It was very quiet for a minute. Even Melanie was still. That was nice.Then, as though a batter had been flipped, Ian was his normal self again. He laughed.Time is on my side, he said, grinning. Weve got the rest of our lives in here. One day youll wonder what you ever saw in Jared.In your dreams.I laughed with him, happy he was joking again.Wanda? Wanda, can I come in?Jamies voice started from down the hall and, accompanied by the sound of his jogging steps, ended right outside the door.Of course, Jamie.I already had my hand held out to him before he shrugged the door aside. I hadnt seen him intimately enough lately. Unconscious or crippled, I hadnt b een free to seek him out.Hey, Wanda Hey, Ian Jamie was all grins, his messy hair bouncing when he moved. He headed for my reaching hand, but Ian was in his way. So he settled for sitting on the bound of my mattress and resting his hand on my foot. How are you feeling?Better.Hungry yet? Theres squawk jerky and corn on the cob I could get you some.Im okay for now. How are you? I havent seen you much lately.Jamie made a face. Sharon gave me detention.I smiled. What did you do?Nothing. I was totally framed. His innocent expression was a bit overdone, and he quickly changed the subject. Guess what? Jared was saying at lunch that he didnt think it was fair for you to have to move out of the room you were used to. He said we werent being good hosts. He said you should move back in with me Isnt that great? I asked him if I could tell you right away, and he said that was a good idea. He said you would be in here.Ill bet he did, Ian murmured.So what do you think, Wanda? We get to be roomies againBut Jamie, where will Jared stay?Wait-let me guess, Ian interrupted. I bet he said the room was big enough for three. Am I right?Yeah. How did you know?Lucky guess.So thats good, isnt it, Wanda? It will be just like before we came hereIt felt sort of like a razor slue between my ribs when he said that-too clean and precise a vexation to be compared to a blow or a break.Jamie analyzed my rack expression with alarm. Oh. No, I mean but with you, too. It will be nice. The quartet of us, right?I tried to laugh through the pain it didnt hurt any worse than not laughing.Ian squeezed my hand.The four of us, I mumbled. Nice.Jamie crawled up the mattress, worming his way around Ian, to put his arms around my neck.Sorry. Dont be sad.Dont worry about it.You know I love you, too.So sharp, so piercing, the emotions of this planet. Jamie had never said those words to me before. My whole body suddenly felt a a couple of(prenominal) degrees warmer.So sharp, Melanie agreed, wincing at her own pain.Will you come back? Jamie begged against my shoulder.I couldnt answer right away.What does Mel want? he asked.She wants to live with you, I whispered. I didnt have to check to know that.And what do you want?Do you want me to live with you?You know I do, Wanda. Please.I hesitated.Please?If thats what you want, Jamie. Okay.Woo hoo Jamie crowed in my ear. Cool Im gonna go tell Jared Ill get you some food, too, okay? He was already on his feet, bouncing the mattress so that I felt it in my ribs.Okay.You want something, Ian?Sure, kid. I want you to tell Jared hes shameless.Huh?Never mind. Go get Wanda some lunch.Sure. And Ill ask Wes for his extra bed. Kyle can come back in here, and everything will be like it should bePerfect, Ian said, and though I didnt look at his face, I knew he was rolling his eyes.Perfect, I whispered, and felt the razors move on again.